Inside the Box
by Tribal Matriach
Summary: We all have boxes inside, the question is, what happens when they open?
1. Chapter 1

1

Boxes, she thought, we all have boxes in our minds that we hide ourselves in. She had boxes, one that said Mum, and the hurt that her death had caused. One said Mark, she opened that one rarely nowadays, preferring to keep in touch with her sister-in-law rather than to start into another round of why the AF is the embodiment of all evil. She had a box labelled Dad, she opened that one as often as she opened 'Mark'

She had a box labelled Jonas, that was a large box, sealed and dusty… her shock at hearing he had been assigned to the SGC was nothing to the relief she felt when he died. She had locked her guilt over that reaction into a separate box and put it behind the big one. Then she had the big…huge…enormous box tied in a red ribbon, it had started as such a small box, but over the last year it had grown!

She always wondered about the others in her team, what boxes did they have? She knew from the start that Daniels boxes were well hidden. He lived very much on the surface of his skin did Daniel, she knew there were boxes though, Catherine had told her about his parents, and him being put 'through the system' from an early age. However he was not locking his feeling for Sha're up, he had no box for her. He had nightmares often, and she really couldn't blame him, after seeing what she had become.

Teal'c, well he was hard to read, but she knew from the minute facial muscles that certain things they said and did brought his boxes forward. His talk of what he DID do for his 'God' left you just knowing that there was more, a lot more. She had read the pages and pages of notes on his interrogation when he first arrived. He had been responsible for countless deaths, and she figured he had also tortured and maybe even raped prisoners.

However he did not sleep, she could not read him by his reactions to his subconscious, maybe that was how the Jaffa kept sane with all the things they had to do? They never dreamt, so they never had to resolve their actions with their own morality.

Then… HIM. She had no idea how to read him at all! He was human, of that she was sure, but his reactions were like nothing she had seen before.

She had heard of Jack O'Neill from Jonas, for someone involved in special ops Jonas had had a big mouth. She had heard that Jack was the one to watch, the one to follow, the one to strive to be like. Though Jonas suffered no lack of self worth, she got the impression that he thought 'Jack' was the ideal.

When she had read the report on the first Abydos mission, she had been puzzled. The reports going into the mission and the ones afterwards could have been written by two different men. Her first impression was that something happened to drastically change his personality during the mission, but talking to General West she got the impression that the Jack O'Neill that returned was the one he knew, the one before was the stranger.

By the time she met him herself, a year or so later, she was so curious that she almost caused him to dismiss her. She had been eager and excited, though she tried to make out that it was all to do with going through the 'gate, the truth was it wasn't, she wanted to meet HIM and get to know HIM almost as much!

Back when they had been working together a few months she had realised certain things about Jack O'Neill, he was always on a hair trigger. Daniel had accidentally knocked into him one night at the change of watch and had ended up on the floor with a knife to his throat before he could stammer out an apology. Jack had straightened up and resheathed his knife, got back to his mat and laid down and gone back to sleep in 30 more seconds. Daniel had been shaking until well after dawn!

He always slept with his back to the fire, to prevent blindness. He woke at the slightest sound, or lack of it. And the thing that puzzled her most about his sleeping, every so often he would go rigid. Totally silent, one minute he would be relaxed in sleep and the next he would be as stiff as a board. She had been going to wake him one of the first times she noticed it, but Teal'c had stopped her. He had raised his hand in front of her, even though she had thought he was meditating at the time, she looked at him and was about to explain when he shook his head, his glance going to their CO and a look of almost sadness crossed his features. He shook his head again and she had backed down. Evidently Teal'c knew something she did not. She HATED not knowing!

She became friends with Janet, and after the Hathor thing they became close, and the fact that she adopted Cassie meant Sam liked spending time with them. She brought up the strange sleep pattern with her, asking if she had ever seen anything like it. Janet had refused to answer, saying it was patient confidentiality, Sam didn't understand, she just wanted to know if it was something she should be worried about.

Janet had assured her that it in no way affected his performance, though Sam knew that already! But that was as far as she would go.

Sam knew she should leave it… knew she should just accept the fact that it was an 'O'Neillism' and write it off as such, but she now felt that at least 2 people understood more than she did, and that annoyed her.

She spent all her spare time for a week researching sleep disorders, nothing she came across resembled what he did.

When Teal'c was being held for past war crimes, she noticed that the Colonel, in his one sleep during the whole thing, spent almost three quarters of his sleep rigid. A huge increase! He had woken more tired looking than he had been when he had gone to sleep.

Then they got thrown out of the 'gate into the ice cave, she had watched him as he slept, and after he passed out, the same pattern. He would rest for a short time, then stiffen up, rest and stiffen, all through the ordeal! After her climb to the surface he came out of one of these phases and whispered the name Sarah.

She knew who Sarah was she had actually met her once, he had mentioned her earlier, when he had told of his crawl out of Iraq, she filed it away, knowing that the more she could remember, the better she may understand! She imagined he had a huge box for that time in his life.

She was starting to get the idea that when he was rigid he was dreaming, but that couldn't be right, you could not help what you did while asleep, never mind control your body and reactions to the extent he must be doing.

She mentioned it to Janet, again she got the 'I can't say' speech, though Teal'c had been in the room, watching them both recover and she thought she saw him nod slightly in her direction.

She contained herself as she watched her team develop, her curiosity grew when they were sent to the penal colony and he pointedly said "Oh Yeah" to the inquiry about if he had been in prison before.

She bit her lip when he helped Daniel through Sarcophagus withdrawal, she had wanted to be there for the man who had become like a brother to her, but Jack had taken over and Janet had told her to leave it to him. She couldn't understand why Jack would be better than herself, but she bowed to the superior knowledge of the CMO as well as of her best friend.

Then he had been stuck to the wall for a day, while being infected by a sentient being from the 'time capsule'. As she sat by his side watching him recover, Janet was taking his pulse… something she did the old fashioned way even though she had a machine that displayed it constantly, when he went rigid under her. Janet almost jumped away from him, as if he had turned hot and she had been burnt. She watched until he relaxed again and then continued with his obs as if nothing had happened.

Sam had had this puzzle for over a year now, and she was no closer to figuring it out. She casually explored the SGC computer files, nothing. She knew the next place she needed to look would not be so easy to get into, she decided to wait… give it a bit longer… see if anything else happened.

The next thing that happened opened a box of Sams, she was not best pleased when they were told they HAD to go to Washington to be awarded the air medal for their part in defeating Apophis and destroying the motherships headed to Earth.

She had been happily chatting away to her CO, seeing a side of him she rarely did, he was relaxed, and he called her 'Sam' more than once, when suddenly she noticed someone… the box labelled 'Dad' sprang open!


	2. Chapter 2

2

To say she was surprised would be an understatement, to say she was pleased would be an outright lie.

Within 20 minutes he had started an argument. First he was trying to get how she had been awarded the Air Medal when working underground, after all the very definition of the medal meant you only got it if you did something in the air! Then he had told her he had 'had words' and she could be reassed to NASA, all she had to do was re-apply.

She had not wanted to go to NASA for the last 5 years! Ever since Catherine had told her that the project she had been working on for the last several years was actually the Stargate, though it was not called that then.

Later he told her he was dying, trying emotional blackmail to get her to do what he wanted, and when she refused he had shut down. She stumbled back to her hotel afterwards and had cried… a lot. How did he still do this to her? She hated the fact he could make her cry like that.

She had heard a knock on her door, she ignored it, her cell rang, she ignored that too. Then she heard her CO shouting through the door.

"Carter! I know you are in there, I heard your cell!"

"What do you need sir?" she answered

"Open the door Carter!" he shouted, she could imagine the other guests looking out to see what was happening. She was off duty though, she did not want him to know she had been crying. She got close to the door and asked again

"What do you need sir?"

"Hammond sent me" he replied in a more normal tone of voice "You going to open this door or am I going to have to get the manager to let me in?"

He would too. She opened the door, turning away from it as soon as the latch disengaged. She tried to stuff 'Dad' back into the box in her mind, but the lid wouldn't close and she felt herself fill with tears again. As the Colonel walked through the door she rushed to the bedroom and closed herself in.

"Carter?" he said, she ignored him. And threw herself on the bed, muffling her sobs in the pillow. She knew he would not try to enter the room, he was too much an AF officer to try it. Though she wished, back in the part of her mind full of boxes, that he was not quite so much the gentleman sometimes. She could do with the physical comfort of strong arms… she did not mean anything improper, and she hated herself while admitting to it, but she could REALLY use a hug!

She came out of the bedroom an hour later, she had managed to close the box at last, having cried herself out. She just felt sad now. She wondered how long he had stayed, how long before he had given up and left. She had taken off her dress blues and had thrown on her satin dressing gown with only her underwear underneath it, when she headed for the minibar in the room. She got a bottle of water, which she opened and took a drink out of, and then she got a miniature whisky, a couple of miniatures of vodka and a brandy, She looked at the rum and at several other bottles, and decided on some orange juice, she put them on top of the small fridge, and got a single glass. She opened the spirits and poured them into the glass, added a small amount of orange and then noticed she had no ice.

"Ice" she said, turning around. She jumped when she noticed her CO, sat watching her.

"You going to drink that or clean an engine with it?" he asked her, she looked at the concoction in her hands, she sighed. If he hadn't been there she would have drunk it, probably in one shot if the truth be known, but she couldn't now. She placed the glass back on the counter and asked

"What are you still doing here sir?" He raised an eyebrow at her.

"I told you, Hammond sent me" She had forgotten, oh god all she needed was dereliction of duty on her sheet!

"Sorry, yes you did say" she apologised "What does the General want?" she asked

"He was under the impression that something happened at the medal ceremony, something that upset you, especially as you left before the end."

"So did you" she pointed out.

"Yes, but I am me" he said, as if that explained everything, which strangely enough, it did!

"So are you here in an official capacity?" she asked

He looked her up and down and she suddenly realised she was only partly dressed and she pulled the dressing gown closed and tied the belt. She blushed furiously and couldn't look at him… as if things weren't bad enough! He got to his feet and strode over to her, he stood looking down at her, his eyes dilated and his breathing heavy and loud in the room, he brought a hand to her face and stroked her cheek, she leaned into the caress.

"You OK?" he asked softly to her, she nodded, the only thing he could do that would be better than what he was doing would be if he put his arms around her. "You sure?" she gulped back tears that threatened once more to spill from her eyes, as if reading her mind he put his arms around her and held her close, she sobbed and clung to his jacket.

He managed to move them both back to the sofa and he pulled her down so she was sat on his thighs, he stroked her hair with one hand, holding her tightly with the other.

She must have fallen asleep, because the next thing she knew it was morning, she was in bed, in her underwear but not the gown and he was nowhere in the room. What the hell must he think of her! She had worked hard to get him to view her as a solider first and then she went and did something so totally stupid as cry herself to sleep in his arms!

She rose and took off the underwear she had been wearing for almost a full 24 hours, she showered and applied her usual makeup, and dressed in a pair of jeans and a top. She was just heading to the door to go to the dining room for breakfast when her phone rang.

She picked it up as she went through the door into the hallway, "Carter, we have a flight back to base at 11:30" her CO said, "have you had breakfast yet?" she told him she hadn't and saw his room door open down the hall. The phone went dead and he walked up to her.

"Mind if I join you?" he asked she blushed as she remembered he must have put her to bed last night. "don't worry about it" he said, reading her mind, and called the elevator, he put a hand to the small of her back and pushed her into the car when it turned up, oh god this was embarrassing.

"You ok this morning?" he asked she nodded her head, he changed the subject "What are you planning to do before the flight?"

"I was going to look up a friend who is still posted here" she told him, she wanted to see someone who may have some details on her fathers illness, an old friend of hers from the academy worked at the local base as CMO and would have access to her fathers medical files.

Her boss, however, had a different idea, and she didn't want to share the state of her fathers illness so she allowed him to persuade her to go walking around, showing him her favourite park and sandwich bar. They checked out of the hotel at 10:00 and caught the flight back to Colorado Springs at 11:30, she only found out as she disembarked that her father was on the flight as well, up in first class with General Hammond, he walked away without even acknowledging her, Jack placed his hand on her back to help ground her and she accepted his silent support.

They made it back to the mountain and early that evening the General awarded them their medals. Everyone smiled when Jack told them he would rather have it this way than the pomp and ceremony they were supposed to have gone through. She agreed, she wished with all her heart that they had never gone to DC, not that that would have stopped her father being ill, but she could have coped better if it had happened at home.

The General called her into his office afterwards and told her that her father had come to the Springs so he could be close to her, she did not know what to say, after he cut her dead as they got off the plane she could not see her father doing anything of the kind. George Hammond placed a hand on her shoulder and told her that her father really did care and wanted to be close, no matter how it looked, she nodded but couldn't trust herself to actually say anything about it.

She escaped to her lab as soon as she could. She tried to stop herself crying again, she had cried more in the last 36 hours than she had in the 10 years previous.


	3. Chapter 3

3

She had only just got back to her lab when she received a call asking if she fancied a trip to Abydos and she went to gear up.

She spent the rest of the evening after they got back helping Daniel to cope with what had happened on the planet, he was already regretting leaving the child with Kasuf, but as she told him, he would not be able to search for Sha're if he was looking after a newborn. He agreed eventually and she realised as she walked away that she had managed to forget her own problems for a short while.

The next afternoon she was once more called into the Generals office, he had been contacted by Bollinger, the head man at NASA asking if it was likely that she would be applying within the next few months as he had an opening that she was exactly the correct person to fill, he had been lead to understand that George had been 'in the loop' and that he had even encouraged her in her ambitions, she rushed to assure him that she had no intention of leaving.

She cursed her father silently as she stood to attention, the General asked if everything was OK with her work… the team… he even asked after her personal life! In the end she cracked and told her fathers oldest friend about him putting pressure on her to transfer, and about the cancer. It turned out he already knew about the illness, in fact he had known before she did! She cursed some more under her breath, asking to be dismissed. He let her go, she turned back as she was going around the corner and saw pity on his face. She gnashed her teeth and stormed to her lab.

She tried to work, really she did, but no matter what she tried to do she couldn't concentrate, her mind kept going over and over her fathers interference, she would get to boiling point, almost to the stage where she wanted to pick up a phone and call him, tell him to stop interfering with her life and then she remembered his illness.

Though she did not want him to get away with his meddling, she knew he would, she couldn't face him in anger when each time she saw him may be her last.

In the end she decided to give up, she called the General and he gave permission for her to leave the base, even though she was supposed to be on duty for another 3 hours, she went home.

She had been home for only 30 minutes when the doorbell rang. She looked through the peephole. She wasn't exactly sure who she expected to see, maybe the Colonel asking again if she was alright, maybe Daniel wondering why she had left early… not something she had done before in all the time they had worked together. She got a surprise when she saw who it was.

She opened the door quickly to let him in. He entered her home and went straight to the living room, he sat down and only then did he look at her.

"George called" he told her "He had words about NASA and my interference with your life."

She just looked at him, she dare not open her mouth in case all the nasty things she had been thinking spewed out.

"I only want to see you settled Sam, see you happy." Her face was made of stone.

He got to his feet and walked out the living room into the hallway "I'm sorry, I won't interfere again" he said as he opened the front door. They both saw Colonel O'Neill stood on the step, his hand raised as if he was about to knock.

Her father turned back to her, his face tight and angry "I suppose I can see now why you don't want to be reassed" he said, she got the implication straight away, but though she could feel herself getting very angry and red, she still dare not say anything, especially as he CO was right there. "Does George know?" he asked looking back at the Colonel "Never mind, don't answer that" he stormed past her CO and out of her small garden.

She lowered her head in shame, not shame that he was correct, but that he could even think it of her!

"Carter?" he asked

"What are you doing here Sir?" she didn't invite him inside, but he stepped in anyway.

"The General had me in the office this morning, asking if there was any reason that you would be thinking of transferring." She should have known, of course he would ask her CO first. "Then he called to let me know there was nothing to worry about, and again he called to tell me he had allowed you off base." Oh shit! Of course she should have asked HIM not the General.

He nodded in the direction of her front door. "Would that have anything to do with it?" he asked, she closed her eyes, she had to tell him now.

She offered him a coffee and they sat and drank it in the living room while she explained about her father, his dreams of her getting into NASA as a child and his string pulling. She also told him of his cancer and how she could not confront him at the moment, he pulled her into another of his fabulous hugs and held her tight while she once more cried into his shirt.

She hated being a helpless female, but she could not lock everything up in its box while so much was pulling at her.

She felt safe and warm as he held her, something she had not felt since she had been a girl. She pressed herself into his body more, twisted as she was on the sofa, but eventually she stopped crying. He really was the best comfort she could ever imagine, and thoughts of what her father thought flittered briefly through her mind. She opened the box and shoved them in!

He lifted her chin, and she looked straight into his eyes, she was surprised to see pain reflected there, and she remembered that it had not been that long since he had lost his son. He could sympathise with her, though she could not help but think his pain was worse than hers. He kissed her forehead and told her to go wash her face, as if she were a child. She smiled at him and did as she was told. He offered to order pizza, but she wasn't hungry he ordered it anyway.

The door bell chimed, she was getting up to answer it when he stopped her. He went to the door and took delivery of 3 huge pizzas! She eyed them as he returned to the living room, the bell went again and when he returned this time Daniel and Teal'c were with him.

They were in for a team night by the looks. She enjoyed the company of her 3 favourite men, they had a few laughs, the Colonel causing most of them by his deliberate ignorance, she knew from what she could access of his service record that he was not as thick as he pretended to be, but she was grateful for his clowning about, and she gave him a small smile every time he looked at her, knowing that he was trying to cheer her up.

The men left late, Daniel and Teal'c were headed back to the base, the Colonel home, which was not very far from where she lived. She noticed a strange car on the street as she said goodbye, she glanced out of the window a minute later and saw her father at the wheel as he passed her house.

He was spying on her!

Next morning she reported to General Hammond about her fathers suspicion, and assured him there was no foundation for the charges. Hammond had already been contacted, and had dismissed his accusations, he had also set the record straight that HE had sent Jack to her house, mainly because of Jacob!

She was not totally sure her father would leave it at that, but as nothing was going on, she had nothing to hide, and nothing to be afraid of! Though the box with the ribbon rattled away and a small voice escaped saying that nothing was going, but she wouldn't mind if that changed.

They were due to leave for a recon of a planet that seemed to have a decent technological development, the mission was only for 1 day so she didn't bother telling her father she was leaving.

Teal'c was stung by a huge bug on the planet, and in the following 48 hours she was so rushed that she gave her personal and family life little attention. When things calmed down she tried to contact her father at the number he had left her, to be told he had checked out.

She once more wished she did not feel as if everything she did was not enough, she was sure if Mark had joined the AF he would not have had this pressure, and yet she was cleverer than Mark, she did everything she could to be perfect, and still she fell short.

She threw a book that was resting on her desk across the room, narrowly missing her CO as he entered the room.

"Carter I'm shocked!" he said bending down and picking up the now battered copy of he defining work on astrophysics. "Is it vicious?" he asked pretending to examine it closely.

She giggled slightly, even when things were black he could lighten her mood, she sighed and told him it was nothing to worry about, he said "dad?" and she nodded. He dropped the subject, for which she was grateful.

Janet came to her later that afternoon, asking if she would be willing to try something. On and off, ever since her experience with Jolinar, Sam had reported dreams, not nightmares all the time, but snatches of memory that she knew did not belong to her. Janet, it seemed had been doing a bit of research and was wanting to try something.

The year previous she had been put under hypnosis by Mackenzie to retrieve a memory, Janet had an idea that they could try the same method and see if she could remember anything else.

She reluctantly dragged the much opened box labelled Jolinar from its corner and agreed, she was amazed when she retrieved a 'gate address, she asked for and received permission for a mission to the address, and as she was gearing up she received a message with a local phone number on it, her father!

She called before setting off, again he brushed off her concerns and she became angry when she found out that General Hammond had known he had taken an apartment, when she didn't.

She swallowed the insult, as usual and decided to focus on the mission. However things did not go as planned, in the end her father saved the day by volunteering to join the ranks of the Tok'ra, she had saved his life, but now she had to wonder… had she done it at the cost of his soul?


	4. Chapter 4

4

She had watched helpless as her CO and the man she was starting to fall in love with slowly lost his mind and personality in front of her. When they eventually escaped from the very hot binary system, and she learnt he had provided the plans for her to fix the DHD, she was amazed and grateful, but as she looked into his eyes at the bottom of the ramp, she saw nothing but confusion and sadness.

She tried to follow his workings, she studied the power source he had used to get an intergalactic wormhole open, but she was left with no clue… about any of it.

He returned from wherever he had been, he seemed calmer than before, as if someone had answered an important question. She watched over him as Janet insisted he had a 24 hour obs stay in the infirmary. He may be calmer, but he was still doing it, still his sleep was interrupted by the rigid pose.

However she was soon to receive a massive shock, which made her think for a while that she had never known him at all.

She was still smarting over his reprimand, that she knew she deserved, about watching people die…slowly, the fact that she had been unable to shut off the gate, and so they were still having to watch it meant that she was constantly being reminded that she had acted like a robot rather than as a human being.

She knew that Hank was a friend of her CO, she had liked him enormously too but the Colonel had trained him and was the one who recommended him to lead a team, so she understood he was in pain as he watched, unable to look away, as the video feed slowly arrived.

Then after being told to 'think of something' she entered the control room that had a definite chill to the air, which had nothing to do with the temperature.

"Captain Carter… Colonel Cromwell, he's come to rescue us" then in a low voice, that the person in question could definitely hear, as he was closer than she was "but I wouldn't count on it" she looked at him shocked, hearing the venom in his voice. The newcomer didn't react at all to the comment, as if he expected it!

Once again she felt an urge to know what made her CO tick, though always willing to do his utmost in any situation, he always carried an air of ease around him, allowing her time as well as inspiration for her to work something out. Now it was as if he was made from diamond, he was hard and unyielding, and he refused to look at her direct.

After it was all over, Colonel Cromwell having lost his life during the attempt to get the wormhole to jump, she stood beside her COs bed as he came around. He congratulated her on her idea, and she saw into his eyes once more, he was tired, and more than could be explained by lack of sleep, it was as if he was carrying some burden that was too heavy, for too long.

Everyone else left, she sat there watching as he slept. This time though when he went rigid she noticed sweat standing out on his forehead, and every time he relaxed, his hands shook.

She placed her hand over his, stilling the movement gently, and he turned his hand over, gripping hers firmly. She knew he was asleep, but she hoped in some way he was taking comfort from her touch, as she had taken comfort from his before.

Eventually Teal'c arrived and she rose from the chair, she stretched herself, glancing at the clock, she noticed that she had been sat for over 2 hours in which he had not had a single 'episode' the minute she stood he went rigid.

She made her way to level 16 and into the security room, she commandeered the tapes for the time she needed and carried them all to her lab. She ran the tapes and then using a computer programme compressed the hours and hours into a 4 minute window. She watched shocked as her CO confronted Cromwell, 4 months in an Iraqi prison? Damn she had been a part of dessert storm, she knew people who had been captured, and even knew 2 who had suffered in their prisons.

Neither of her ex classmates had continued in the service after their release, both being discharged on medical grounds as unfit for active service. She knew of no one who had been held who had NOT had to retire, and yet here was her boss, he had been held more than four times as long as anyone else she knew, and he was still on the front lines!

She HAD to know more!

She made a connection to the Pentagon, and carefully, making sure she left no trace and tripped no security programmes she got into the unabridged version of Jack O'Neills files.

She quickly downloaded the files and saved them to a flash drive, she slipped it into her BDU pocket and then made her way out of the mountain. General Hammond had given the team a long weekend to recover, she decided to spend it going through the incredible life of Jonathan O'Neill.

He had been picked for special ops early in his career, though he still kept up with his flight training, which a lot did not. She also noticed he had several high level qualifications as well as being able to speak several languages.

He had been used in a lot of quick jobs, not a lot of undercover work, more extractions and terminations. He was a marksman and had been used several times as a sniper, and his hand to hand made her level 3 (advanced) look like a child slapping someone in the playground.

She arrived at the 'chute accident that he had mentioned, what he had failed to say was his mission had been to seek out a party of suspected suicide bombers and on his way out of the dessert he 'happened' to crawl his way past the village they were in and gather the intel needed. As soon as he was picked up by a patrol over the border he had passed on the information and the cell had been neutralised.

Communiqués found in the leaders home suggested they had a market square in central Baghdad targeted, he had saved tens, if not hundreds of lives, and all while severely injured. In fact by the time the cell was dead, he was STILL in the operating theatre being pinned and pulled about.

He was put back into action as soon as they could get him passed by the MO. And that was the mission where his long time friend Cromwell was in charge.

According to Cromwells report, Jack had been less than 400 yards from the extraction point when he received a bullet to the back. The rest of the 4 man team was headed for his body when they saw 3 jeeps full of insurgents come over the dunes. They had to leave.

Cromwell had insisted on being the one to let Sarah know, she was left with a 3 year old son to take care of.

It was only early the next year, when the US brought arms openly to the area in an attempt to stop escalation that papers were found that told that Colonel Jonathan O'Neill was alive and being held in one of the most notorious gaols in the country. An extraction team was sent in and he was rescued.

Sam wept when she viewed the pictures of the man she knew so well. When he was extracted he weighed little more than Cassie. He reminded her of the pictures of Jews who survived the concentration camps. It was obvious he had been starved, but it was also documented on his body that he had been repeatedly beaten, and abused.

The medical files stated that for the first week the only thing they could get out of him was his name, rank and serial number, he seemed to think he was under the influence of drugs, making him believe he was free. Tests showed a very high concentration of hallucinogens in his system, they had been trying to brain wash him. He had not cracked… if he had his reaction to the hospital would have been very different.

He went through a painful withdrawal, made worse by his weakened condition and the fact that he had a visitor.

Cromwell had gone to visit him a week after he made it back to the states, evidently he was lucky that Jack was in such bad shape as it still took 2 SFs to drag him off the man. The CMO told him not to return.

Sarah was not allowed to see him until he had been 'home' for 2 full months, by that time he had got back some weight and muscle tone, but he was still suffering from sever nightmares.

His reaction to anyone who tried to shake him out of his dream cycle was violent and swift, he injured several SFs and a couple of doctors. Eventually he was admitted to the care of a psychiatrist who noted his total reluctance to communicate.

A note on his records said that he had been advised if he did not deal with his problems he would receive a medical discharge. At that time his medical doctor noted the incidents of nightmares had receded but he had started a strange sleep habit of stiffening his body and any attempt to get him out of the state he had withdrawn into resulted in violent spasm, which threatened to cause injury to himself.

It was theorised by the psychiatrist that he was internalising the nightmares in an effort to stop himself harming others. He knew he could not be released home until his wife was safe from his reactions.

However the psychiatrist refused to release him from care, and pressure was brought from higher up, eventually another shrink signed off on him, he was put back into the field less than a year after his rescue.


	5. Chapter 5

5

He was sent immediately to Afghanistan, to the hill tribes and caves where the CIA trained Al-Qaeda forces were in residence. His field report observed that rather than still hating the Russians, whom they were trained to fight, a growing resentment was building for the US. Jack's report was dismissed as was usual when one branch criticised another.

The local CIA man did not even speak Pashto as Jack did, and Jack asked to be reassed out of disgust.

He was next sent to South America, where he was told to keep an eye on someone suspected of working for Castro by flooding the US with drugs. The subject had died soon after Jacks arrival, as did the man who took over his business, a fire at the warehouse they owned put the whole operation out of action

His assignment after that, at his own request was a training office at Peterson, he was leading a class in their flight training, recruiting on the side anyone he thought was fit for the SO.

He stated several times that his reason for wanting a US based posting was so Sarah and he could have more children. It never happened and eventually he was posted overseas once more.

Sarah, meanwhile, had been seeking counselling on her own, it seemed that Jacks plan for more children involved artificial insemination, though there was no mention of why. The counselling was part of the preparation for the procedure and a sub note was attached to his file as the councillor was an AF officer at the academy hospital. Sarah had not been as willing as Jack to undergo the procedure, though his notes did not say why.

His file after that was basically a list of ops, no injuries worth a mention, and nothing went too wrong.

Until that is, a note was attached to his file recommending that he be immediately committed to a mental institute and put under suicide watch! A recommendation that was ignored, he was called immediately to active duty and sent through the Stargate.

Sam had heard, of course, about Charlie. She had even seen a copy of him back when she met Sarah, but she had not realised that it had affected him so much.

She could not imaging losing a child, it had been bad enough losing her mother, but she had not for one second thought that her boss was the type to think of taking his own life.

She re-read the mission reports from the first Abydos mission as they were in the file. She started to understand that the only reason he took the mission to start with was because he hoped not to come back.

She looked at her watch, it was 19:00 on Sunday, she had been reading the files for 2 whole days! She felt emotionally drained, and rose to make herself a coffee. She had her mug in her hand and was heading back to her living room when the doorbell rang. She detoured and found Daniel on her step.

She invited him in and offered him a coffee, she slipped into the kitchen to pour him one, as he went into the living room. It was not until she entered and saw him looking at her screen that she remembered she still had the Colonels file on display!

She quickly closed the laptop but it was too late. Daniel looked at her and she blushed.

"I… I" she said, not having the first idea what she should say.

Daniel sank onto the sofa. "Sam, he is not the same person as that file suggests" he said, she pondered for a moment what he meant by that and he clarified "Jack was in a dark place when Charlie died, but don't for one minute think that he still feels that way"

She realised that the note about having him committed was on screen, Daniel was trying to convince her of something she already knew.

"I know Daniel, I just had to know…"

"What?" he asked

"Everything" she blurted out. "I wanted to know why he sleeps as he does, where he gets his strength, how he always manages to inspire me to be better than I am…" she ran out of reasons, though she knew there were a million more, she could not articulate them.

Daniel smiled at her. "How long?" he asked

She looked at him, trying to work out what he meant and could not figure it out

"How long have you known you love him?"

"I… Daniel… We… I" she shook her head and took a deep breath, "He is my CO Daniel, I am not allowed to have feelings like that for him, I would have to report them and be transferred off the team" she saw a flash of panic in his eyes.

"So I have to say, I don't know what you are talking about" he nodded his head.

"It's a shame, I think the two of you would be good together" he said and erotic images of the two of them together flashed through her mind! She blushed. "You know he feels the same way about you, don't you?" she shook her head in denial, what the hell could he see in HER? He was a true hero, and she was a geek!

"Jack was released this afternoon, he's invited us to his house for the evening, I came around to offer you a lift, T is already there" She considered it, they were not due back on base until Tuesday, and she had not had anything to eat at all since the lunch she had thrown together the day before.

She flashed Daniel a quick smile and told him she needed to change, though he disagreed, she was in a pair of baggy sweatpants and a 10 year old AF shirt.

She changed into her jeans and a top, grabbed her bag, phone and keys and headed back to the living room. Daniel was looking at her machine again, at the pictures of Jack when he was rescued from prison, she saw tears in his eyes and knew she had matching ones in her own.

She pressed the delete key and wiped the flash drive. He nodded in agreement and the pair of them left to see how badly he burnt the meat this time.

She studied him as he stood by the grill, she knew he knew she was watching him, he wouldn't have lived as long as he had doing the job he had for so many years if he couldn't tell when he was being watched.

He turned a couple of times and raised an eyebrow at her as if asking what was wrong, but she could not hold his gaze and dropped her eyes until he turned back to the food, at which point she could not help herself, she raised her eyes once more and watched his every move.

She had had a sort of hero worship type crush on him to start with, she knew that, but having read his files, seen the suffering he had endured and come through she had raised him from hero to super hero. Added to the fact that he had been there to offer comfort when she needed it most, with her dad, she knew she was in serious trouble.

It didn't hurt matters that he was drop dead gorgeous with the most beautiful eyes she had ever seen. Her gaze travelled up and down his body, he was lean, but not too thin. He had muscles but not the hard body type Teal'c had, his was a more subtle strength, built up through use, not exercise.

He was taller than she was, enough so she had to look up, which was unusual for her, though all 3 of her team members were taller than her, she was almost average height for a man. Something that had caused no end of embarrassment during her years at college and the academy.

She dragged her eyes away from him to see Daniel watching her with a smile on his face, she pulled her tongue out at him childishly to which he gave her a huge grin.

Jack turned at that moment, the steaks all piled onto a platter. "Whatcha doin' kids?" he asked

"Nothing Jack" Daniel said, still smiling at her, she blushed… GOD! She wished she could stop doing that! However he seemed to think it was nothing to do with him and he placed the meat in the table centre and reached through the open doors and brought out a salad bowl. Teal'c was still inside and brought out the baked potatoes.

"I have been considering your DVD collection O'Neill" the big man said "I find you have several significant gaps in it"

"Oh?" he asked "Like what?"

"I will remedy the situation in time" he said but no matter what they asked he would not tell them what he meant.

"This is Carters fault you know" her boss said, pointing at her with his fork

"How so?" she asked

"You rigged his TV in his quarters to get him free films and channels" he said "You ought to see the rubbish he watches"

She had not thought of influence TV would have on him when she had rigged him a connection, she had just done it when she realised that he was stuck watching the news or community channels. However she was delighted that he was starting to develop a taste for something Earth bound, he was entirely too focussed on his past in her opinion and needed something to stimulate him.

She smiled at the thought of Teal'c watching Oprah, remembering his question as they had walked away from the Shavadai that time.

"So Jack… recovered from hitting the 'gate room floor have you?" Daniel asked

"Yeah, bit of swelling still on the knee, but Fraiser says we should be good to go by the back end of the week" he replied "I've been looking at the data the MALP sent back from P3C-599 and I've pegged it for us… I had to fight off Makepeace and the Jarheads for it"

Sam looked up at him at the mention of him looking at the MALP information, but it was Daniel who said what she was thinking

"YOU were looking over the MALP data?" he said his tone incredulous "What for?"

"I DO know how to do my job Daniel" he said a hurt tone in his voice, Sam saw the twinkle in his eye as he bated the younger man "What makes you think I wouldn't look?"

"Well… I didn't expect… you don't usually" he started to blush and his glasses were falling down his nose over and over, Sam ducked her face so he wouldn't see her smile.

"O'Neill always reviews every location before we go to determine what equipment to take and if there is any danger to be seen at the site" Teal'c chimed in

"I… wasn't suggesting that you… it's just that at the briefings you don't look interested"

"That's because you are telling me things I already know Daniel" he said with that 'patience… you are explaining to a child' tone in his voice, Sam couldn't help it, she giggled at the antics, she raised her eyes to see her CO grinning at her… god he was sexy! She lowered her gaze again to the table. Daniel decided he had had enough and dropped the subject.

Daniel left early with Teal'c and she offered to help with the washing up. She carried the plates in doors and scraped them, she enjoyed doing the simple things around a house, she found housework relaxing and she hummed as she washed the dishes in the sink, she jumped suddenly when he came up behind her and said "humming?" in her ear.

"I… housework…" she paused again "I always hum when I'm happy or relaxed" she told him, he smiled at her softly

"I'm glad you are feeling relaxed, it's been hard on you lately" he looked straight into her eyes and she felt herself melt "if you ever need someone to talk to, my door is always open, you know that don't you?" she nodded. He turned and picked up a tea towel and started drying the plates, she just stared at him… did he have any idea how special he was? …did he know how much she wanted him?

He turned again to look at her "Carter" he said and she shifted her focus to his lips thinking of what they would taste like, "Carter!" he said louder, she shook her head she really shouldn't think like that about him.

"Sorry sir" she mumbled blushing once more, he lifted her face with a finger under her chin.

"Sorry for what?" he asked

"I…" she shook her head again and turned away quickly, her breathing had sped up and she thought if she did not get away from him she would pass out. She went into the living room and picked her things up, it was only then that she realised Daniel had given her a lift, she had no way home.


	6. Chapter 6

6

She made her way to the door, but he was already stood there. "Did I say something to upset you?" he asked

"No!" she exclaimed "God no, it isn't you" she blushed again as she realised that she was getting turned on just because she was in his house with him alone. He raised his eyebrows at her for an explanation but she felt sure that if she did tell him he would have her transferred off the team as quick as he could.

She knew she was not bad looking, but she also knew she had nothing to offer this man that was worth him risking his career over. She would not give up her job to stay at home all day raising kids, she had worked too hard for that, but she knew that was the type of woman he wanted, the type he needed, someone who would be there to hold him through the nights, not someone who was developing her own set of nightmares from the things she had seen and done.

She reached past him for the door lock, he covered her hand with his and she closed her eyes at the feelings that shot through her.

"Sam" he said… he hadn't called her that for ages, not since the morning of the day her father had visited her at home… when he had accused her of having an affair with him.

She had longed to hear him call her by name again, but now he had she wasn't sure it was a good idea. She shook her head again and managed to turn the Yale, he allowed her to open the door, she exited the house quickly and walked away without looking back. When she got to the end of the street she called a taxi firm and ordered a pick up.

She heard his engine starting up from where she stood waiting, she hoped he was headed into the base and would not even notice her, but he pulled up at the curb and reached over and opened the door.

"Get in" he told her, she just stood looking at him "Sam get in" he told her again, she climbed into the truck. She rang the taxi firm and cancelled the car, he glanced across at her. "Why didn't you tell me Daniel had given you a lift?" he asked, she couldn't say.

She looked out of the window as he drove to her home, the trip took less than 15 minutes and she opened the door before he had come to a complete stop. She mumbled 'Thanks' and ran up to her front door, opened it and shut it behind her quickly. She dare not look at his face, all she could think about was his body, and her body, and what they could do for each other!

She realised she had not had a man for over 3 years! Damn she needed to get laid!

It was a good five minutes before she heard his truck pull away, she felt awful, it wasn't his fault that she was breaking the regs, but she had a feeling he thought himself to blame!

The mission to P3C-599 turned into another typical SG1 mission, in other words there was nothing typical about it except something went wrong, Daniel and the old man swapped bodies, and then Teal'c and the Colonel did too. She was interested to note… back in the room in her mind full of boxes… that she felt no attraction to the Colonels body while Teal'c was in it. She did not fancy Teal'c body either, even though she had to smile at some of the things that came out of his mouth!

God she was so fucked up, half the time she could not think straight. After everyone was back where they belonged she and Daniel spent an evening talking. He told her some of his life story, and she told him none of hers. She knew by now about his parents, their death being the 'entertainment' for the residents of the gamekeeper, however she had not realised that he had suffered physical abuse at one foster home, and it was only by luck that he managed to be placed with a family that had heard of his parents and they brought him up as if he was their own, helping him through his doctorate and teaching him 15 languages as they went.

She felt as if her own life had been so easy compared to his and she could see why he was so determined to get Sha're back, she was the first person to love HIM for himself as he was, Sam had come to be as a sister to him, he said, which mirrored her feelings for him, but Sha're, he said, was the missing half of his soul. She had never heard anything as beautiful in her life, and had wept with him as they both hoped that one day he would get her back.

He asked her about Jack… the Colonel, she had decided that even in the box room she would have to call him by his rank not his name. She avoided the question, his wise eyes saying that that was answer enough in itself.

She saw a part of herself that she did not like after the next off world trip, as Apophis lay dying she realised that she would actually be glad to see him go. For the first time ever she wished someone dead and meant it with her whole heart. Yet another box, though not a large one, to store away. She marvelled at Daniels forbearance and how he attempted to help the host.

She had no such feelings, in fact she felt more like Teal'c did about it. He was positively beaming. The Colonel just said "Jaffa revenge" to the General as if to say he too understood it.

Over the next few weeks she joined the 'girls' from base on nights out, usually, however she and Janet would end up at Janets home, getting drunk on wine and complaining about men, after all the others had picked someone up and left the group. No matter what she thought she wanted, she found herself unable to accept any of the offers she received.

Their next mission came to them rather than them going looking for it, it was one that opened that box labelled 'Dad' again, but this time when they had chance to talk she was very pleasantly surprised. He did not tell her how to run her life at all. He made no pointed suggestions… not even a hint! He did ask after the Colonel, which she was not pleased about as he had seen him less than 20 minutes prior, but he held up his hands and Selmak chimed in with

"Jacob worries about you, however I can see no better mate for you than such a man" she blushed violently and her father coughed and told the 'old woman' to shut her mouth, to which 'she' replied that it was HIS mouth.

She assured her dad that in no way was she going to violate the fraternisation regs, and he accepted her word for it! Which was a first.

She saw the pain the young boy caused the Colonel when he collapsed, and her father promised her that he would personally look after Charlie when he was blended, she watched them go up the ramp to the event horizon and for the first time did not feel relief at the departure of her father.

She was confused when she opened her eyes and he was stood over her. They had told her he was dead, and yet here he was large as life, and twice as handsome.

She sat up, remembering as the slick materiel moved that she had nothing on, he stood over her as she tried to work out why she had not sensed the Naquadah in the people around her. She noticed he was avoiding looking at her, he told her to steal the clothes off the man he had knocked out and hurriedly he turned his back and watched the door. She grinned to herself, as she made her way off the bed, wondering why he got clothes and she didn't!

The clothes were a mile too big for her, luckily he had a belt on so she could at least stop them falling off her hips. She hated the fact that she had no underwear but anything was better than naked.

As they made their way out of her room he pulled her aside as she saw the gold walls and triggered a memory, he put his hand over her mouth and held her as the flash passed, she was sure she had cried out. As he held her she felt the unmistakable bulge pressing into her backside of his arousal. She pressed herself into him deliberately, feeling guilty as they had other things to think of. She let out a moan, hoping he would think it was something to do with the memory device, but she felt him thrust slightly into her when she did.

She berated herself as he released her, this was no time to be playing with fire! They had to get out of here, and try to find Daniel and Teal'c before doing so.

Daniel and she escaped the compound after Hathor had implanted the Colonel with a symbiote. She was desperate to think of some reason to return for him, and came up with an excuse Makepeace would accept. She did indeed intend to take out the generator, but her first objective was to find and rescue the Colonel.

The Tok'ra agent had already killed the symbiote and she revived the Colonel under instruction, but suddenly she was attacked by Hathor with a ribbon device, then she felt his hands lift her from the pain, Hathor was nowhere to be seen. He pulled her into a hug and she held him as he shook, whether from the cold as he said or from shock she was not sure, but she didn't care either, she held him tight, wishing she never had to let go.

Again she felt his body react to her, and she pressed herself as tight against him as she could, she was glad of the BDUs she now had on as she was sure she was wet enough now to show through if they had been the light cotton ones she was wearing earlier.

Unfortunately she had to move eventually, the generators had to be closed down or no one would be able to escape. They broke their grasp and he looked at her sheepishly, she smiled at him and headed for the SGC mock-up where the Tok'ra had told them the generator was hidden, they C4'd the huge machine and made their escape.

Once back at the real SGC they all had to have full physicals because of the cryogenics, she was released first, then Daniel, the Colonel was held for a further 24 hours because of being infected.

She was waiting for him when he returned home, she knew he would get out as soon as he could, staying on base was asking for Janet to do follow up visits.

He showed no surprise at seeing her there. He unlocked his door and gestured for her to precede him. She went inside, wondering what she was doing there. He went to his fridge and offered her a bottle of beer, she declined, she was not exactly sure what she wanted but alcohol definitely was not it.

He sat down next to her on the sofa, she was trembling. He took a swallow of his bottle and put it on the table.

"So" he said "what are we going to do?"


	7. Chapter 7

7

Erotic images flashed through her mind, all the positions and places she had ever dreamed or fantasised about. However she couldn't tell him that!

"I…I love you" she said looking at the coffee table with a concentration that was usually reserved for her alien artefacts.

"I'm too old for you Sam, you deserve someone younger, better, cleverer someone with less baggage than I have" he sounded tired, maybe she should have waited, but she knew if she had she would never have managed to say it. "Sam, listen to me" she turned to him, but could not hold his gaze, he lifted her chin so he could see her.

"Sam" he was almost whispering, he leaned in and kissed her gently on the lips. There was nothing overtly sexual about the kiss, but she felt as if she had received an electric shock. She met his eyes with her own and she saw shock reflected back at her. He must have felt it too, and he didn't expect it! "We can't do this" he said, her eyes filled with tears.

She knew they couldn't, didn't he realise it? That was the only reason she had not picked the lock and been laid naked on his bed when he got home! However she was tired, tired of seeing people die, and tired of feeling guilty every time it wasn't him that died.

She wanted to be free, to be able to pick someone up for a fling, or not as the whim took her, rather than desperately dreaming all day and night of the man she could not have. She was confused!

She had not felt like this since her first serious boyfriend, and the same as back then, she had no one to turn to for advice. However unlike then, her CO was not intent on getting into her pants at the cost of all else. She loved him so much it hurt, and the thought that he would reject her after she had told him what she felt hurt even more.

He pulled her towards him, and she rested her head on his shoulder, she wanted to argue, to convince him she knew what she was doing, but she didn't. Daniel had been correct when he had exploded at her when he was ill, she didn't know what love was, she had thought she did, but now she was sure she hadn't.

Her every minute of late was focussed on this man, she was having trouble sleeping, and not just because she was sexually frustrated, she kept dreaming that he was injured, that he was dead, or even that he was in love with someone else.

She didn't know which dreams scared her more! She looked up at him, his face was troubled, she had caused that look.

She sat up straight he looked at her questioningly "I shouldn't have come" she told him, "I swear this will not effect my work," she picked his hand up and pressed it against her cheek as a form of farewell and she left his home. He made no move to stop her.

The next day she was called to the control room just in time to see her father step through the wormhole.

During the hunt for Seth she learnt some more things about herself that hurt, she could use the hand device to kill, and her pent up emotions came out all directed at the Goa'uld. She hit him so hard he sank into the floor of the tunnel as if he was a blow up doll with a puncture.

As much as her father tried to help her get over it, she could not get out of her head that she had killed someone with her mind, sheer hate fuelled the device, her father had pulled her into is arms, in some way he knew what she was going though, probably his symbiote provided the experience of a former host. She could not relax into his embrace, it was nothing to do with Selmak, she just did not feel comfortable. Her father had never really been 'dad' since she hit her teens.

She couldn't help compare her father to her CO while she was being held. She wished the two men would change places. Of course they didn't. Her father took her away for the weekend to visit her brother at his home.

She had not seen Mark in several years, though she had met his wife a couple of times when she had been in the area, her father was willing to try his hardest to get close to his only son, but Mark was not making it easy and he seemed unwilling to forgive her for the ultimate sin of joining the Airforce.

After a huge row with her brother, one that only ended when the children walked into the room, she left her father and Selmak there on the Saturday and caught a hop back to Peterson.

She collapsed on her sofa as soon as she got home. Why could she not cope with the men in her life? It wasn't as if she was too demanding… was it? All she wanted was for them not to be disappointed in her, for them to accept her for what she was. Was it really asking too much?

Her phone rang, she sat and listened to the answer machine taking a message. "Carter? Your dad called… Carter, pick up" he paused, she considered picking it up, but then she would have to talk to him and she was in no mood to be rejected by him again. She had told him her closest held secret and he had rejected her. She knew she wasn't being fair, he had not exactly rejected her, but she couldn't shake the feeling.

She got to her feet and went into her room, she got out the sexiest dress she could find, applied her makeup put on her fuck-me shoes and grabbed her bag. She left her home and headed into the town centre.

She got very drunk, she knew she was far gone when she allowed the ape to fondle her, but to be honest, she didn't care, she wanted sex, and was not too picky about who it was she went home with, he was decent looking, if not her usual type.

At the last minute, just as she was about to get in his car with him she felt someone grab her from behind.

"Hey!" the ape shouted getting back out of the drivers side "she's with me"

"No she isn't" she stiffened when she heard his voice

"Go find your own screw old man, she's coming home with me tonight" he pumped his chest and flexed his arms. She giggled.

"No giggling Carter" he said into her hair, she watched the ape come around the car.

"You don't know who you are messing with old man" he growled

"He doesn't care" she told him "he can break you in two without breaking a sweat" but she knew it was futile, the ape wouldn't listen, he thought he was tough.

She watched as he telegraphed his intentions and drew back his arm, he swung a fist at the man holding her, who ducked under the arm, dragging her down with him, as she knew he would, he straightened and while not breaking his hold he punched the guy once, he went down like he had been poleaxed.

She turned in his arms, still giggling, she threw her arms around his neck and tried to kiss him. He dodged her and started dragging her to his truck.

"Ready to have some fun?" she asked him, trying to get her hand down to feel him.

"Carter what you are ready for is some coffee." He said, he pressed the fob and the doors unlocked. He held her against the truck while he opened the door, she wrapped her leg around him, pulling her crotch towards his. He lifted her into the passenger seat and fastened her belt.

"Jaaack" she pouted "make love to me" she tried to kiss him, almost falling out of the open door, he gave her a look and slammed it shut, she realised there was no chance of them doing anything, he had just followed her to spoil her fun.

She waited until he fastened his belt and put the car into gear and she opened the door and escaped. She made it into the bar before he caught up to her. And slipped through the crowd and out of the back door.

She looked around, there were 4 more bars in sight, she picked the one that looked best to her eyes and sauntered across to it.

One way or the other she was going to get laid tonight!


	8. Chapter 8

8

She walked into the bar, the music was too loud, the floor was crowded with people dancing, she made her way to the only empty bar stool and sat down, she attracted the man behind the bar and ordered a drink. She was just paying for it when she felt someone press against her back.

"You are in my seat" he said, she turned and looked at him, he was tall, not too thin, but not bulky, he had brown short hair and brown eyes, she smiled at him, oh yeah now THIS is what she was talking about!

"I'm sorry" she purred "I didn't realise it was taken" she saw his glance switch to her exposed cleavage, oh yeah!

"Can I offer you a drink?" he asked, she raised her still full glass.

"You can offer me a dance though" she told him leaning into him, he wrapped an arm around her waist. She got off the stool and they went to the dance floor. She wrapped her arms around his neck and pressed herself into him, he smelt good, though he was a bit heavy handed with the aftershave.

He put a hand at the bottom of her back and pulled her towards him, she felt the unmistakable bulge in his trousers as she swayed against him.

He invited her back to his place after a couple of dances and she remembered getting into his car…

The next thing she knew she woke in a bed, it must have been the next morning or even afternoon, she thought, her head hurt, it felt like someone was trying to drill into her skull through each eye. She felt sick, and when she tried to raise her head off the bed she couldn't help giving out a groan.

She managed to make out a bathroom through an open door at the bottom of the bed and made a run for it. She decided she should stop throwing up when she thought she saw her toenails appear. She got up and rinsed her mouth, she found some toothpaste and squeezed some onto her finger. She brushed her teeth as best she could… and suddenly she remembered. OH GOD what had she done? She hoped she could get out of there without meeting the man she went home with.

She made her way back into the bedroom, there was a set of patio doors, she tried them but they were locked. She picked her dress up off the chair by the bed where it had been placed carefully by the looks and found her shoes just underneath it and as quick as she could she got dressed.

She knew something didn't add up, but couldn't think what. Every movement made her head throb. She opened the other door to the bedroom and as quietly as she could she made her way down the passage to the front door. She got a feeling of Déjà vu as she reached the door, as if she had seen this exact scene before, in fact it felt so familiar she looked around once more… He was stood leaning against the wall watching her, she groaned and rested her forehead against the door.

"Coffee Carter?" he asked, she nodded. She had worked out what was wrong, she still had her underclothes on when she woke and she didn't smell of sex!

She followed him into the kitchen, she sat at the breakfast bar as he poured her a black coffee, she accepted it and waited… she knew a lecture was coming, she just hoped she could bear his disappointment. She wished she didn't feel as though she was 15 again and had been caught breaking curfew.

"What the hell were you thinking? Did it ever occur to you that you were too drunk to look after yourself? That it is dangerous to pick men up, especially when you are so drunk you pass out in their car."

Oh shit! Is that what happened? How did she end up here then? She looked at the mug of coffee and swore at herself.

"You should think yourself lucky I saw him trying to get you out of the car again" she closed her eyes. God she would almost rather have her father lecturing her, at least she was used to letting him down.

Her head throbbed, she found a bottle of aspirin being thrust into her line of sight and gratefully shook a handful out, he stopped her as she was about to put them in her mouth and removed all but three. She swallowed them.

He gave her a bottle of water, she lay her head on the cool counter.

"Carter!" she jumped and almost fell off the stool. He did that on a purpose, her head was splitting, "drink something" he told her, and she opened the water and drank it all, followed by half the coffee.

"Call me a cab?" she asked

"You're a cab!" he said… ha ha she was so NOT in the mood, she got off the stool, unsteadily and realised she didn't have her bag.

"My bag? My phone?" she asked trying to look around, but she was making herself nauseous.

"Both safe in the living room… come on lets get you back to bed for now" she snorted, he pushed her down the passage to his bedroom and once there he efficiently stripped her of her dress and shoes and lay her on the bed. He was just covering her up when she threw both arms around him

"Stay" she said

"Carter" he growled

"We don't have to do anything, just stay…please?" How pathetic could she get? But he slipped off his shirt and shoes and lay on the bed in his vest and shorts. He lay above the covers she was under, but he pulled her until she was cuddled up to his side and he put his left arm around her. She lay her head on his chest and went back to sleep.

When she awoke again she was alone, her mouth tasted like something had died in it and her headache was still throbbing, though not as bad as before. She noticed there were a couple of bottles of water on the bedside table, she made her way into the bathroom again and this time managed to wash her face as well as brush her teeth.

She remembered this feeling, god it had been almost 10 years since she had felt this bad, at least the alien hooch on P3X-595 had made her be stupid without this afterwards!

How was she going to live this down? She had acted like a spoiled child, acting out when she had an argument with her brother. And then she had been REALLY stupid.

She remembered throwing herself at him and how upset she had been when she realised he was not going to take advantage of her, at least she supposed he now knew just how pathetic she really was, she had killed any chance she had of attracting him.

A soft knock sounded on the bedroom door, she got back into the bed and pulled the sheet up… like he hadn't seen it all before several times, she thought… and shouted for whoever it was to come in.

He entered with a tray. "Hey" he said, placing the tray on her lap, there was a bowl of soup and some toast, some orange juice and a bread roll. "How you feeling now?"

"Honestly?" she asked, he nodded "like I could die with embarrassment, thanks for rescuing me" she said.

He chuckled, "Glad to be of service, now I suggest you eat up, I went around to your house and picked you some jeans and a top out, your dad will be here in an hour"…oh god… she felt sick again. "Don't worry, he doesn't know, he just thinks we are having a team night and he's coming before heading back to… wherever. We need to go get your car" she wasn't even sure where she had left it!

"Danny and T will be here soon, hopefully before your dad, we had arranged it on Friday, so I thought it was a good enough reason for you to be here and I didn't cancel."

She nodded, she had eaten the toast, but the soup was asking too much, he gave her some more aspirin and lifted the juice. She still had not looked him in the eye, she was terrified at what she may see there.

He lifted the tray and left the room, indicating a bag on the chair as he went. She got out of bed and opened it. There was a full change of clothes, her make-up bag that she had left on the bathroom unit and her bag with her keys and purse and phone in.

She went into the bathroom and took a long hot shower, by the time she finished it was too late to go for her car, and she thanked god her hair was so short, at least it would dry before everyone turned up.

She had only just made her way into the living room when she heard the doorbell… so much for having time for her hair to dry, He answered the door and Daniel and Teal'c entered the room, Daniel took one look at her and turned to his friend

"Jack?"

"Daniel?"

"Jack!"

She stopped them before they went any further "Daniel stop… whatever you are thinking, I can guarantee you are wrong"

"You said you would take her home, I thought you meant HER home!"


	9. Chapter 9

9

She looked up sharply.

"Daniel was there last night" he told her "Jacob rang him too, when I lost you I called for help, I knew he was already out looking for you" oh now her life really WAS over!

Daniel sat beside her and pulled her into a hug "Hey don't worry, we all do stupid things when we are upset" he told her… she hoped to god she hadn't propositioned him! Teal'c sat opposite her on the chair, she looked at him and saw only sympathy in his eyes.

"T, come help me start the grill, Jacob should be here soon" the two men left the room.

"What happened Daniel?" she asked

"Jack rang, as it happened I was less than a block away when he did, we had started at opposite ends of the town, when I got to you both, he was carrying you" she groaned "You woke up and told him you were the best lay he never had" Daniel was grinning at her, she flushed from head to toe with embarrassment. "He got into the back of my car with you wrapped around him and we drove to where he had left his, we transferred you to his car and he said he would take you home, I thought he meant to your home"

"That's it? I didn't do anything else to embarrass myself?" he coughed… oh great! "spill it, I have to known Daniel"

"Well you did say that he didn't want you and if I wasn't your brother you would have a piece of me" she groaned and buried her face in his shirt… "Hey I'm flattered!" he told her still grinning

"What am I going to do?" she asked him "how can I go back to work with you all after this? Oh Daniel I really screwed up"

"Naww, you didn't" her CO said from behind her "We all do stupid things at times, it was your turn that's all."

"Oh because YOU screw up often" she said sarcastically

"We all do Carter, you are just usually too controlled for it to happen to you" she snorted, he pulled her off the sofa and wrapped his arms around her, god he felt good, she melted into his embrace "now no more silly talk, your dad will be here soon, you did nothing wrong, your team looked after you, which is what we do… ok?" she nodded reluctant to break the embrace, he was so good at this!

The bell rang and Jack went to the door, her father came in with General Hammond. Jacob went straight to her and pulled her into another hug and once again she couldn't help but compare the two men.

"Give us a minute?" he asked of everyone else, they all filed out. He pulled her down to sit next to him on the sofa "Mark says he is sorry" he told her, she snorted. "Sam, how you doing after the whole Seth thing?" she hardly remembered that that was what set this all off. She shook her head, actually she wasn't sure any more how she was doing about anything.

"You sleep here last night?" he asked, she looked up shocked. "I came back early from San Diego, I know you didn't sleep at home" she HAD to protect Jack, he had done nothing wrong!

Before she knew it she had spilled almost the whole story, expecting the lecture again she was surprised when he didn't start in on her, he just said "Oh Sam" and held her tighter.

Selmak took over "Jacob is worried about you, but he is glad that Jack O'Neill is who he is, he knows he will always look out for you no matter what" she opened her mouth to say something but her fathers fingers covered her lips "He loves you as much as you love him, and it breaks Jacobs heart that you two will never be together while ever you are in the same chain of command, I must say though, it is probably the stupidest rule I have ever heard of!" Sam smiled, she knew her father could fill his guest in on why the frat regs were imposed. She felt better though, knowing that her father understood, and that he was not jumping to conclusions as he would have done before.

They went out to join the others, her dad and the General sat on the loungers talking, and Teal'c held centre stage as he had bought several films for them to watch on their next team night, the Die Hard series were first on his list. Sam smiled, she supposed they were the sort of film that would appeal to the Jaffa, one against many and winning.

Jack turned from the grill several times to glance at her, and at last she met his eyes, she smiled back, and he seemed happy. He managed not to totally burn the meat, and the evening went fine.

"Need a lift home?" her dad asked as he was leaving, Jack raised an eyebrow at her as if asking how much he knew. She kissed him and told him Jack was going to give her a lift to her car as he knew where it was. He looked surprised, but her father gave her a hug and told her he would see her the next time he was on Earth. He shook hands with Jack and left with the General, Daniel and Teal'c left just after, Sam once more helped to clean up and then Jack gave her a lift to the bar she had left her car at.

She swapped vehicles and, thanking him sincerely, she drove away. She looked into her rear view as she pulled out onto the street and saw him punch his car door, she was tempted to stop and go back, but she had pushed her luck and their friendship far enough for one weekend… hell for the year!

She got a pleasant surprise back at base the next day, she was going to be promoted! The secretary of defence himself was going to attend and she was going to be a Major! She was very pleased to receive the rank, she was still a bit on the young side for it, which made it even better. She wished she had known to tell her dad, but the General told her he had known, and had sent a message which he would pass on at the end of the ceremony… of course the ceremony didn't end properly, her heart was in her mouth when at the start of his speech her CO vanished.

When he was beamed back to them it was all she could do not to run and wrap her arms around him. He spent hours tied up with Thor, and Daniel over the next few days, and it was only after they had captured and sent off Nirrti and with her friends that she had time to reflect on what had happened once more.

She knew Thor would never hurt him, but the thought that someone could snatch him from in front of her and she may never see him again made her shake.

She once more found herself at his house. This time she had decided, she was not going to take no for an answer, she WAS going to seduce him. She parked at the end of the road in the small park, and picked his lock, she let herself in and made her way to his bedroom.

She heard his truck pull up and he came through the front door. "O'Neill you're a bastard!" he told himself before she could shout him. "What the hell did you do that for?" do what? She couldn't think of anything he had done that would provoke such a reaction.

"Sam!" he groaned and she heard the sound of flesh hitting the wall. She got out of bed and made her way to the passage door, "God Sam!" he said groaning, and she saw him punch another hole in the plasterboard wall.

"You called?" she said, standing framed in the bedroom door, wearing nothing but her sexiest underwear. He turned to her slowly, nursing his hand. He walked towards her as if he thought she was a dream and reached up to touch her face with one trembling hand.

She leaned into the caress, and closed her eyes. His touch as usual sending signals all over her body.

"Want to tell me what that was about?" she asked picking up his damaged hand and kissing the broken skin on his knuckles.

"No" he said and pulled her into his arms, he kissed her, no chaste peck this time, he demanded entrance to her mouth with his tongue and she opened to him. He groaned as he tasted her, his hand travelling to the catch on her bra and undoing it in one move.

He pushed her back into the bedroom and onto the bed and he followed her down, only breaking for air when they had to, they managed to get him as undressed as her.

They made love in a rush, a frantic coupling that satisfied their basic lust, but was not enough for either of them.


	10. Chapter 10

10

After she lay with his head on her chest, she stroked his hair. He wasn't asleep, she knew that, but he said nothing at all, he just lay and held her as if afraid she was going to disappear.

"What's wrong?" she asked, he moved slightly and she realised her chest was wet, was Jack O'Neill crying? "Jack?" he kissed her breast and his hand rose to the other one and started to fondle her.

She would love to lose herself in him once more, but she wanted to know what had upset him so much first. "Jack stop, talk to me please, what's wrong?"

"We shouldn't have done this… hell! I mean I shouldn't" now she felt like crying, but at the same time she felt her anger rising, she pushed him off her and got off the bed.

"I'm sorry you feel that way, Sir" she said "I'll get out of your house now, my request for transfer will be on your desk in the morning" her heart was breaking, but what had she expected? She regretted what she had done now, because she had wanted to make love to him and all that they had had was a quick screw.

He grabbed her by the arms as she made her way to the door, "Sam no… I didn't mean it like that honey, Oh God! I'm sorry…" he pulled her into a tight embrace, she was sure she would have bruises on her arms the next day, he held her so tight. She could feel him trembling, she didn't know what was wrong, but whatever it was had stripped him of the calm exterior he usually showed the world.

He manoeuvred them both back to the bed and wordlessly he pressed her to sit and then lay down, she did as he wished but held herself rigid, waiting.

"I don't know how much you know about my life from before the programme, though I suspect you know a lot more than you should" she blushed, he had guessed she had done a check on him, she just hoped he didn't realise she had seen everything.

"I was captured on a mission in Iraq, it took 4 months before they got me out, and every day of it was…hell. When… When they got me back stateside, I was a mess… not so much physically, but emotionally." She had seen the pictures, if he thought that was nothing compared to the state of his mind she was not sure she could hear the rest… but she had to, HE needed to tell someone! "I… I had nightmares and they told me I attacked people while asleep, and then the shrink they assigned to me told me that I couldn't go home and see Sarah and Charlie." He sobbed at the mention of his son and curled into her as she lay on the bed, she tightened her arms and held him.

"I don't know how, but I managed to…to…"

"Put it in a box?" she said

"Yeah," he paused as if contemplating the idea. "Anyway, eventually I was released, Sarah learnt to spot the signs of my dreaming and not to touch me"

"Well, it isn't like it is hard to spot" she said and immediately wished she hadn't interrupted him again, because he sat up and looked at her.

"What?" he asked

"You go rigid, every so often in your sleep, we all know about it Jack. Though we didn't know what was happening"

"Shit!" he scrubbed his face with his hands "I thought…I hoped I wasn't still doing it"

She pulled him back down beside her, "Don't worry, we know, whatever it is, you cope with it"

"That's just it, I DON'T cope, I ride it out and ignore it, and it had other side effects, I couldn't get close to Sarah after I came back, she tried, for years she tried to… I just couldn't respond to her, we so much didn't want Charlie to be an only child, but I couldn't…" she could only imagine how hard it was for him to be telling her that, but at the same time she felt a surge of pride, she had managed to arouse him, he was fully functional with HER!

"Then I met you, after all the evil in my life, after all the pain, you came. And you were so young and sweet and you looked at the world as if it was a delight, and I knew you thought yourself in love with me! I tried Sam, I did," he was crying again, "I… OH GOD! I wanted you so much, but I knew I couldn't have you, it wasn't fair on you, you deserve someone a hell of a lot better than I am!"

"I don't want anyone else, Jack… I haven't in years… I love you"

"You don't even KNOW me!" he almost shouted

"Then let me in, allow me to see you as you are"

"I don't want to lose you" he said

"I don't want to lose you either, but if we don't try then that is what will happen" he raised his head and kissed her. It had none of the urgency of earlier, but this was even better, it was slow and thorough and passionate.

They made love, properly, taking their time to explore each other and find the spots that turned them on most. And afterwards Jack fell into a deep sleep, while Sam held him.

He did not have a single episode the whole time he slept, he woke several hours later and they rose for some food. After eating they went back to bed and made love all over again, this time they both slept afterwards, peacefully until the next day.

When she went home she found what he had been saying he should not have done, there was a message through her door that said "I Love you too" she kept it, locked in her safe with her documents, it was the nicest thing he had ever done for her!

They continued the affair for several months, without discussing it they agreed to keep it a secret, neither wanted to lose SG1 and neither wanted to stop what they were doing, Sam knew he slept better when she was with him, and she hoped that in some way she was helping him heal. Then suddenly he was trapped offworld for 3 months and when she eventually managed to get the wormhole open and went though he was 'with' another woman.

She knew that they were over, it broke her heart, but she couldn't blame him, he had thought that no one was coming for him, and the alien woman had wanted his child, something she felt unable to offer him, given that she wanted to stay on the front lines.

As soon as they got back she asked for leave, which was granted immediately, after all she had worked for 3 months non stop.

She got her bike out of the garage and left the area. She checked every couple of days for messages, he had always left some, which she deleted as soon as she heard his voice, Daniel called several times, so did Janet.

She went into an internet café and emailed her resignation to the General. She could not face him again now, he had been right, they should never have allowed themselves to be together. She could have continued as they had been if she had never known what it was to love him, but now she did she could not face watching him, seeing him, but being unable to touch him.

She contacted an estate agent and put her house on the market, she left a message for Daniel, telling him where the spare keys were and asking him to pack her possessions up and drop the keys with the agent.

Then as a final gesture, she threw her phone away. She was free! She got on her bike and rode, still not sure where she was heading.

She recognised the neighbourhood she was in eventually, though she had no intention of heading this way, well, not consciously.

She got to the door of the house and rang the bell, a young Spanish woman answered and told her to wait for a while, while she announced her. Sam smiled at the old fashioned terms. Eventually she heard someone hurrying down the wooden halls and she flung herself into the arms of one of her oldest living friends, she broke down in tears immediately and Catherine led her to the parlour and asked the maid for tea.

Though they had not been in touch a lot since the 'gate reopened, Sam knew she could tell Catherine anything she wanted, the woman had mothered everyone on the project, but especially Sam who was definitely in need of some mothering at the time, as she was with Jonas!

She explained about her love affair, leaving out the tiny detail that it was Jack she was talking about, she told her of his betrayal with another woman, though she could not tell her he had been offworld, and she told her about resigning from the air force.

Catherine provided tea and sympathy as well as tissues, and Sam felt a hell of a lot better afterwards. She had decided to apply for a job with a firm called Colson Industries, she had met the CEO several times and had been head hunted by them. But when she mentioned it to Catherine she was not so eager.

"Are the government going to allow you to go?" she asked "after all Sam, no one knows the 'gate programmes like you do, you built them! Why not see if you can be a consultant for the program?"

"I can't Catherine, I can't be there… he … he" she felt tears building again and Catherine changed the subject, it was late, they would be better in the morning discussing it. They had a light supper and Sam went to the guest room the maid had made ready.

She slept fitfully, she hadn't had a decent nights sleep since before he went missing, she had frequent nightmares about what could have happened to him. She had also lost quite a lot of weight, though her waistline was no less than usual.

She stayed with Catherine a few days, she enjoyed the attention, and Catherine said she enjoyed the company, Earnest was often about the house, but he kept away a lot of the time. Sam felt awful about it, but Catherine told her it wasn't a problem.

Eventually though, she knew it was time to move on. She packed her stuff and fastened it to her bike, she kissed Catherine, who hugged her tight, and was about to start the machine up when she was surrounded by a white light!


	11. Chapter 11

11

"THOR!" She shouted into the ceiling of the large grey room she appeared in.

"Major Carter" the small alien said as he entered the room "We have been looking for you for several days now" she didn't care, it wasn't anything to do with her any more!

She tried to explain that she had left the programme, but Thor insisted she listen to what he had to say, as she was stuck on his ship in orbit she didn't have much of a choice.

He explained about the missing technology that people were blaming the SGC for stealing, she was shocked, no way would the people she knew steal stuff. He showed her proof, though she did not recognise the men in the images, they were wearing BDUs with SGC patches on their sleeves.

Thor told her he had enlisted Jack to track the thieves down but that she was needed to help, she once again explained that she had quit, a term Thor would not accept, no matter how she phrased it. He offered to bring the General and O'Neill up to the ship so she could have a meeting and when she declined he asked her to think about it and left her in the room.

She was stuck, she had a feeling that if she did not agree she would not be seeing the surface of the Earth… Oh God! Catherine! It was obvious that she would contact the SGC when Sam disappeared anyway. She felt sick, and her stomach was full of flutterings at the thought of seeing him again.

A good hour later Thor reappeared in the room, he told her he had been contacted by the SGC who knew she was on board and O'Neill was asking to see her. She shook her head violently, she would meet with the General, but not with him!

However as usual Thor didn't listen, he beamed both men into the room. She refused to rise from the chair Thor had given her, she was no longer military, she didn't need to salute them.

Jack was looking at her intensely, she could tell, but she refused to even acknowledge he was in the room, she focussed herself on her fathers friend, but she felt bitter at the first words he said,

"Before you say anything Major, your resignation was denied" Hammond said to her… they couldn't do THAT to her! "now as to this mission…"

"There is a complication" Thor said, both men turned, she didn't care. "The plan was for O'Neill to be dismissed from the service, and to travel to Edora" she gritted her teeth, oh yeah everyone would accept that he wanted to go back to her!

"Major Carter was to be the Earth contact for O'Neill, but she is unsuitable for the task" despite the fact that she didn't want to do it, she definitely was not pleased with the words Thor used… why was she unsuitable? It seemed like the General thought the same way and he asked for clarification.

"It would be inadvisable for Major Carter to be placed in such a position at this time, it could endanger the child"

Her mind went blank… child? Did he say child? What child? She couldn't be … could she?

"Carter?"

"Major?" the two males asked

"I'm… I'm not…" she said

"You have within you a 24 week old foetus" she shook her head, no she would have known!

"NO!" she shouted "I'm not pregnant! I can't be!" Jack was walking towards her, she backed away putting her hands out in front of her "no, stay back" she said, he stopped dead. "He's wrong!"

"Would it be so bad?" he asked her, and she could hear the tears in his voice, GOD she loved him, but he had left her, he had gone to that whore on Edora! And all the time she… she… she passed out.

She awoke in a medical bed, the cover over her face slid back silently and she could hear an argument raging in the room. It seemed that Jack had told the General that the child was his, and the General was shouting about Kinsey and risking the command.

Thor intervened "My knowledge of Earth law is not complete, but in the time I spent with Daniel Jackson during the protected planets treaty I discovered something that may be useful here"

"Go on" the General said

"O'Neill is the official liaison between the Earth and the Asgard, as such he has the status of ambassador. Now even though you can cancel his status as liaison, you cannot stop him being an ambassador, anything he did while being ambassador comes under diplomatic immunity"

"It doesn't work like that Thor, you are not immune in your own country" Hammond told him

"O'Neill was not in his own country, he was on Earth. He is OUR ambassador, not yours"

Jack turned and noticed she was awake, he grabbed her up and held her tightly. "Have you any idea how worried we have all been?" he asked her she struggled out of his grasp.

"I could see how worried you were when you asked Laira to come back to Earth with you" she snapped. He grabbed her and dragged her out of the room, down a corridor and into one at the end. They were in what looked to be a bedroom though the mattress on the bed was less than an inch thick and looked very uncomfortable. He pushed her down onto it and sat by her side.

"I am not going to deny I slept with Laira, Sam, but I love YOU, I was using her to forget the fact that I would never see you again"

"How long?"

"What?" he asked

"How long were you there before you fell into her bed?"

"The day before Teal'c came through" he told her, they have a custom of mourning for 100 of their days, I know their days are shorter than ours, but I…"

"I worked every day, every single day, Janet threatened to sedate me more than once, you should have known I wouldn't leave you there!" she was crying uncontrollably now, he pushed her down and lay by her side, holding her as she released the tears and emotions.

"You asked her to come to Earth, you never even said thank you, you just walked away and asked her to come to Earth"

"I know… I'm sorry, truly I am… I don't expect you to forgive me, but please…please… don't take it out on the child, I love you and I want this baby so much with you" she had not thought of the child… she hadn't considered what was going to happen to her now, she wanted it though, she also knew she could not deny him a part in its life, he always showed what a great father he could be, she wanted to give him this second chance, she was just not sure she wanted to risk THEM again. And he could still be kicked from the AF for breeching the regs, so could she for that matter. It was too much to think about at once.

She yawned, she was emotionally drained, even though she had only been awake for 5 hours so far that day. He helped her further up the bed, the mattress was quite comfy after all, he wrapped his arms around her and she fell fast asleep.

He was still there when she woke, watching her, his face troubled.

She rolled off the bed and headed for the door, but he quickly put himself in the way.

"Sam we have to talk" he said "We don't have long, the Tollan and Asgard want me to go off on this mission."

"Then go" she said coldly… all she wanted to do was wrap herself in his arms and never let go, but he had hurt her once, she was not sure she could cope if he did it again, and in their line of work there was always a chance they could be separated for a long time.

She needed to protect herself, and she needed to protect her child, she smoothed a hand over her stomach, he noticed her and fell to his knees, he pressed his face into her waist and cried. Before she knew what she was doing she was stroking his hair and telling him it would be all right.

Thor walked into the room, and Jack got to his feet, they arranged for contact and Jack got implanted with a homing beacon, and they were beamed back to the SGC.

She had to pretend that she had been under stress for the past 2 weeks, something everyone accepted. She took her house off the market, and Daniel and Teal'c helped her move her stuff back in, once the under cover OP was underway and Jack had 'resigned'.

He 'retired' offworld and that was when things went badly wrong with the plan. She woke to pounding on her door the day after Jack had left, she pulled on her robe and slippers and looked through the peephole. Someone with a huge bunch of flowers, she smiled, maybe Jack had arranged it before he left… then she remembered she was still angry with him and shouted through the door telling the delivery man to take them away.

He replied that she had to sign for them at least, otherwise he wouldn't get paid for the run, she opened the door and saw movement in the corner of her eye, she felt something on her neck and slumped to the floor, she just had time to see Colonel Maybourne at her gate before she lost consciousness.

He was talking… she could hear him… she lifted her head and felt it pounding… she didn't remember getting drunk!

She was tied to a chair, Maybourne was in front of her with a Goa'uld communicator, he was talking to Jack! "We know you two have been having an affair for some time… we were going to hold it as blackmail, but we decided to be more direct. If anything goes wrong… she dies"


	12. Chapter 12

12

Jack was white as a ghost on the screen, she tried to say something but she was gagged.

She did not know what he would do… truth be told she didn't know what she wanted him to do. In a way she hoped he would not give in, he would still take them down, but in another she hoped she meant more to him than that. Not forgetting the child… she doubted he would be able to risk the baby, even if he was willing to risk her.

The communicator turned off, Harry Maybourne turned to her and grinned, he told his subordinates to free her and put her 'in the room' they took her to a trap door and made her climb down a ladder into a basement, there were no other doors or windows, just a cot and a toilet, they raised the ladder, the ceiling was 10 feet high.

Maybourne looked through the opening. "Make yourself comfortable Major, you have a long stay ahead of you." She glared at him "Oh don't worry, we aren't going to kill you no matter what we told the Colonel, you are too valuable. Now make yourself at home" the trap door shut with a thud… she was in the dark.

The days past, she only gauged the time because about every 8 hours she would receive a tray of food and some bottles of water. She reckoned she had been down there almost a week when suddenly she heard shouting above, she was not sure what was happening but she shouted whenever there was a pause in the noise, hoping that it was the cavalry here to arrest Maybourne and rescue her.

The noises died down, she was sure the meal time had been missed when she next heard something. The trap door opened and the ladder was lowered into the room, she waited, one of the goons from earlier appeared at the opening and started on the ladder, she backed away, she didn't like this, none of them had come close since they put her down here.

He reached the bottom of the ladder and straightened, "Time to have some fun" he told her, she could see by the bulge in his trousers what type of fun he was thinking of.

"Maybourne won't be pleased if he finds you here" she told him

"He's not here though… is he?" he advance towards her and she launched herself at him, he was ready though and punched her in the stomach, she felt something tear inside, he dragged her over to the bed and lay her down, she still was curled up from the hit. He stood and removed his trousers, and then tried to pull her straight, as he moves slightly a shot sounded and he fell down dead.

She looked up, hoping to see Jack but it was Maybourne holding the weapon.

"Are you alright Major?" he asked, she felt like not answering but a pain ripped through her stomach…

"The baby!" she gasped, he was down the ladder in seconds.

"Crap!" he said "O'Neills?" she nodded, he looked REALLY worried, as well he may, if she lost the baby there was nowhere in the galaxy he would be safe from Jack.

He pulled a phone from his pocket and dialled 911, another pain ripped through her and her vision turned white.

She was on the floor of the Asgard ship, Jack stood smiling for a full second above her and then he realised something was wrong! "THOR!" he shouted, dropping beside her "THOR!!"

She curled in pain once more "I'm sorry" she told him… "I love you" and she was suddenly in the medical bed once again, the pain died away and she felt her worries go along with it. She could hear what they were saying, and she sighed in relief when Thor told Jack she had not lost the baby, she floated in a state of bliss, as she felt warmth fill her, and movement in her that meant the baby was fine, she had yet to share it with Jack, the baby moving, she hoped everything would be OK with them, but she could not bring herself to care that much… she knew she was high with whatever they were using to stop the miscarriage, she hoped some would be available when it was time to deliver!

She was sent to the infirmary after a few hours of treatment, the General, Daniel and Teal'c joined Jack at her bedside. When she asked if she was under arrest the General laughed, it seemed as if Thors plan worked, they would not be punished for breaking the regs.

She found out the true deal later in the week. Jack was forced to resign from the AF, but he was appointed civilian head of the SGC while Hammond got another star and became over all head of offworld activity.

She was also asked to resign from the AF, which in a way she regretted, but Jack had proposed to her, and even though he was not military she was not allowed to continue working for him if she WAS.

As she got bigger she decided to give up the field permanently rather than go back after the birth, and concentrate on engineering the tech the others brought through the gate.

However when she finally gave birth, 2 weeks late, she decided to take a leave of absence… she could not face the thought of someone else bringing up her child, and it happened often enough that the SGC was sealed, she decided not to risk it… she was pregnant again before Alice was 4 months old, with twins… all in all she had few regrets, and the ones she had were wrapped in steel bands in boxes in the back of her mind!


End file.
